Rest Stops and Revelations

A ridiculous amount of life can fit into months, weeks, and days. Since my last post, so much has happened. It feels like it's been years since I've written anything, here or otherwise. I'm rusty, so forgive the rant I am about to pour all over this little blog.

It's 6 A.M. I've been up since 3:40. Long story. I'm sitting at a rest area, cold and wrapped up in a blanket, waiting for the sun rise. It's the perfect time, of course, to consider a couple of those "big questions". You know, the who-am-I-where-am-I-going? kind of questions.

Funny how just a few years ago, I was doing pretty much the same thing. I was sitting in a rest area, hidden amongst some mountains in the middle of Pennsylvania, watching the sun rise. (Okay, that rest stop was a heck of a lot prettier than the Rail Splitter here in Illinois, but I digress.) Instead of a laptop, I was frantically scribbling in my journal to keep up with my racing thoughts. A pink pen, even. Ugh.
I had wanted to be a writer then. I had articles and stories and tried my hand at a few short novels. It was all absolute garbage, mind you, but I had written it all the same. When a friend suggested I pick up a camera I said whatever. I used to love taking pictures as a kid. I'll try it. I was obsessed with writing, but maybe, a creative exercise on the side would help me flesh out ideas, visualize, express myself, etc. So, in those first years, I snapped photos to help my writing. Ironic that it now is the opposite.

"We don't change over time. We only become more ourselves"-
The Tale of The Body Thief by Anne Rice

I'd like to think that quote is true. It has always stuck with me, from my 16 year old Rice vampire phase. When very young, it seems like we pick up so many things and try them on for size. We collect a big mess of things we want to be, who we think should be, who our friends think we should be, what looks nifty at a distance, and on and on. Growing up is about sifting through all this clutter, finding what actually fits, and tossing the rest away. Several years ago, at that first rest stop, I was on a journey. Cliched as it sounds, it was all about "finding myself". I was taking baby steps, a little bit of introspection, a little bit of adventure, but I found some things that fit. For the first time I could remember I felt whole and strong and like... well, me.

Lately, I started sifting through my clutter again.

This last year or so has found me so burnt out on shooting. Something was missing. I followed all the pros, read up on all the current trends, and practiced techniques. Something. Was. Missing. As an added bonus, life was knocking loudly on my door and breaking my concentration. Life can be a real jerk.
I stepped back a bit and took some me time. Then I had a shoot that forced me to really stretch and get creative. Sometimes, that's all you need to get a little focus. Leave it to me to forget what the whole damn thing is about - self expression. There's nothing wrong with keeping up with trends or practicing good techniques, but I had lost the me side of it. This isn't about money. I already have a job. One is enough. I don't shoot to become famous or to copy some famous photographer. That's just icky.

Let's reboot. More me, more creating. Less...all this other crap.

I've made some changes to the blog, created a new FaceBook page, and will be working on my site again. I am reevaluating my policies, style, and focus. Some things are changing a little, some a lot, and some are just getting a sparkly new look. I'm trying on pieces again and seeing what fits. So bear with me, I'm making messes again. Hopefully glittery, colorful ones.